When
confronting your partner about an issue, it is best to begin with either “We”
or “I” instead of “You”. The
best time to address relationship or marital problems is when you are not in the
middle of them. When embroiled in a problem, the goal is containment (damage control). We
are less defensive and respond better to observations, comments and requests when
they are phrased as a question rather than a declarative statement; e.g., “Can
you see that we’re having a serious problem? or “Have you noticed that
you’re drinking every day?” or “Would you do this for me? When
your partner is upset about something, at some appropriate point ask, “What
do you need from me right now?” When
dealing with a misbehaving child, having two parents in agreement is like having
a river with two banks. The more often parents can say to their child, “We
want” or “We expect”, the better. It’s
important to have good things to look forward to, no matter how small. There
is a difference between “reacting” and “responding”. A reaction
is an impulse (a knee-jerk reaction) while a response involves delay, reflection
and making a conscious choice. Without having a choice—i.e., at least two
options—a person does not truly have control. To
have a chance of controlling any impulse, such as smoking, drinking, or being
a “hot reactor”, requires delay, i.e., not taking action. Delaying creates
conditions for the possibility of reflection. Everyday
life is, for the most part, made up of a bunch of small decisions like, Am I going
to exercise? Floss? Do what I’ve been avoiding? Eat a piece of fruit or have
some candy? Yell back at him/her? Drink again tonight? Study? Cook? Watch television?
Go out? Buy this? Confront him/her? So,
the more choices we have and the more healthy choices we make the more control
we have and the better we live and feel. There
is only one real time: now. Calendars and clocks are man-made inventions that
allow us to structure and organize the past, the future and everyday life. Life
happens in the immediacy of the present. Stay there—be present. Anxiety
is experiencing a future event in the present while feeling powerless to effectively
deal with it. You will attend to it when it arrives. In the meantime, attend to
now. Don’t
“try” to do anything. Either do it, or don’t do it. You can die
trying and never accomplish anything. Exercise.
Research has shown that “being a good animal”, i.e., exercise and movement,
greatly improves the quality of our lives. If you think too much about exercising
you’re not going to do it. So don’t think about it: just do it. Every
so often, reflect on what you do have, including your partner, and appreciate
it. | 
